I hate to write the word ghost. It makes me think of a Scooby Doo vilian or the movie 13 Ghosts. A ghost is Some type of spooky creature that is distinctly human, it has tattered clothes and a vaguely defined silhouette, with copious amounts of gore oozing from its mouth and the rustic handle of at least one melee weapon hanging from its torn body. That said It has been my experience that ghosts don’t look like that. I don’t know what other people have popping up in their living rooms but the creature…aberration that appeared in mine that night looked more like a splotch of Electric fuzz. It had a humanoid shape to it that was not well defined. I couldn’t see that it had any color or texture at all just varying degrees of thickness. Kind of like thick shimmering smoke if smoke could maintain its shape and density while shimmering.

Anyway by this point I decided that I had simply forgot to open the flue and was going to die sad and alone of carbon monoxide poisoning. This thought calmed me and gave me direction so I opened the front door and window letting the wind clear out any smoke. The ghost was still there but no longer laughing. I ignored it, sat in my chair, and shut my eyes pretending to sleep. Im a trickster like that. I heard the cat came in at this point singing his beautiful greeting as came over and he jumped onto my lap. I continued to “sleep” as he kneaded my thigh into the perfect shaped bed.

“Greetings earthing”

The hell i thought, this is just some kind of sick joke. Some kind of sick ghost joke. it’ll go away, ignore it and it’ll go away.

“I said Hi.”

” Im not talking to you because your not real. Its not funny and your stupid.”

“Okay well I guess I’ll just leave then.”

“Good. Bye Bye.” Like a damn baby, bye bye. I cracked opened my eyes. “Look I dont know why you are here or if you are really here or whatever but I’m tired and dont feel like visiting.” that’ll teach it i thought.

It laughed again “You dont say? You did slow alot sooner than I had expected. Might need to start adding some cardio to your fitness routine.”

I opened my eyes. “ha-ha-ha.” yep that was the best I could come up with so i shut my eyes again. ” i dont have a fitness routine so jokes on you.” Damn it

“Your cute” it said. I didnt respond. I could only take so much self humiliation in one evening. so we sat in awkward silince for a while with only the cat making noises. I did eventually open my eyes again. The thing wasnt so scary to look at. I mean It didnt really look like anything kind of reminded me of those things that chase pac man around his circuit

“Okay, your here. I’m here. What is this about? I mean what do you want?”

“Look your making it really hard for me to be give your straight answers. What kind of response you do expect to that. “what do you want bull”.” It lifted what was probaby its arms in a dracula type fasion. “Your soul…or some shit like that? I dont want anything. its painfully obvious that you dont know what you did but you are the one who set up this meeting.”

This is when the captian planet idea hit me and I could feel my jaw start to unclench. Im not a reporter or anything like that so I didn’t have a bunch of really good questions jump into my head.

“are you dead?” I’m sure you could have done better. In fact i eventually asked reddit what they would’ve asked a ghost and with in 5 min I had 100 different really good responses. Which i condensed, numbered, printed, and laminated. It is now always with in reach on my coffee table along with a sharpie but honestly I was just lucky that my pants were still clean at that point.

“yes.” Mercifully thats all it said.

Thanks

“yeah”

“DO you live in this house?”

“Nope. I do like it though.” I could tell it was holding on really tight to another really clever response so I changed the subject quick

“should I be scared”

“Look, this is fun and all but if its all the same to you can we take this conversation to the next level. Honestly Ive got lots going on and you are boring me quite to tears.”

“what do you have going on?”

it looked taken aback as much as fuzz can and said “everything.” and was completely serious for the first time since coming into my living room.